It starts with 10 seconds where you forget. You briefly open your eyes and forget what has happened. Then it starts.. that sinking feeling. Like you've just swallowed a giant pill and it's stuck half way. Your stomach drops. And that pill sits there. Heavy. Sometimes there are tears that follow and sometimes you feel as if you have none left to cry. That's even worse because there is no release. Just a deep sadness that takes over your whole body. You feel numb and in pain at the same time. I see him then. Normally at first. Always in his yellow jacket for reasons unknown. Then i see his body lifeless like that last time. That image comes to me as if it needs to remind me that he's still dead. Then comes the time to decide, do i push this pain down and get up and do what i have to do or do i let it run over me. This is every night when I lay down to sleep and every morning when i wake up. 21 days. 3 weeks. That's all it's been. I'm supposed to get up, brush my teeth, shower, go to clients, go to the bar and work my normal day. That's what you are expected to do when it's only been 3 weeks since i lost my father. In fact it was expected after 10 days. The world goes on and you feel paralyzed and stuck. Not wanting to move forward because somehow that feels like you've accepted the loss. You want to stop. Stay in that state of sadness of guilt and not do anything because doing things means life goes on.
You feel as though no one understands. Not the grief but how hard it is to simply get out of bed, to brush your teeth, take a shower, get dressed. This has become a battle. No one knows what it has taken for you to simply get up and get some place. You don't want to do any of it. You want to lie in bed, staring at the wall and picturing all the moments you wish you could change. You don't have the luxury of depression.
People expect you to be strong. They always say how strong you are. You've been through so much. But are you strong? You don't feel strong. You feel like you're hanging on by a thread ready to scream. You walk down the street and you think I need to tell dad this or that, then you remember you will never tell dad anything ever again. Life will never be the same again. You have lost friends to death but you had friends to support you. You will never have another dad. That is the one thing you can never replace. Your parents. Even if he wasn't always what I wanted him to be and I may not have been what he wanted me to be but he was my dad and you only get one.
I still think it's not real. I haven't accepted anything. I don't want pity or hugs. I just want people to know it takes all I have to get up everyday. I may seem ok, I may laugh and joke and talk like I always have but it takes all I have.
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