That pill I swallowed 4 weeks ago is still caught. It wont go down and feels like it never will. It feels like it will be there forever and I will have to get used to how it feels. Some days it's only that. stuck. pain.
I went a week without a tear. Just a constant pain in my chest. I knew it was all just below the surface. It just took one interaction with a stranger to trigger those tears. One unimportant disagreement to make me want to scream. I ran to be alone and let it run over me, I wanted to cry out "my dad died, dont you understand!". My dad died and everything else feels meaningless. Why do I have to have these conversations, why do I have to exist right now. This pain is too intense to function and yet everyone keeps telling how strong I am. What is strong, why am I strong? Because I show up at work and do my job? Because I dont cry 24hours a day? You think because you dont see it that it isnt happening? I walked to the train this morning with tears streaming behind my sunglasses. I had t stop just to try to catch my breathe because I started to panic. I panic because there is no redo on how it ended,
There are so many thoughts that I dont even know where to start in the process. I lost my father yes but it is so much greater than that. My last texts from him were "get here asap". I didnt get there in time and I will never forgive myself. For years he spoke of euthanasia and any scenario involved him going with his family by his side. I never imagined I wouldnt see him again, hug him, say something more than what I said. It wasnt supposed to be this way. it wasnt supposed to end this way. I can't even begin to accept his death because I dont accept any of it.
The last time I saw him in person we fought. He said I dont want this because it could be the last time I see you. These are all things I have to live with. These are some of the many thoughts that run through my head all day. All the fights, all the tears of two people who love each other but dont always like each other and certainly don't always understand each other.
My friend lost his father 10 days after I lost mine. He was heartbroken but he said, we treasured every moment and there was nothing left unsaid. Nothing left unsaid. My God what I would do to be able to say that about my father. We didnt treasure every moment. We left so much unsaid. My father always said, I'm afraid that when I die my daughter wont know who her father was. I used to think, you'll die not knowing who your daughter is. Maybe both happened. He wasn't easy. He wasn't always very nice. He held onto every grudge until his last breath. He forgave nothing ever. He forgot nothing you ever said in anger though never took responsibility for his words. This is the ugly truth and what makes it all so much harder. I wanted him to be different as a father and he wanted me to be different as a daughter. Im angry, Im sad. Im riddled with guilt and pain and despite all the ugliness of it all, you get one dad. So all these things said and unsaid swirl around me as I try to put one foot in front of the other. This is me right now. No spell check. No filter. Just raw emotion from running how crying behind sunglasses..again.
Comments